SCENE: Frankie Avonlea has been stabbed through the heart with a butcher knife just as walks on stage to perform his first number during the final dress rehearsal for his big comeback performance. Now JAKE BULLET must interrogate the "unusual suspects" in his murder: MURRAY SILVERBERG, LANCE BOYLE, CAROL HINGLE, and even Silverberg's secretary KELLY.
JAKE
I checked your records back at the office, Mr. Silverberg. According to them, as part of your arrangement with Frankie, you took out a multi-million dollar life insurance policy on him.
MURRAY
Hey, I couldn’t offer him much money up front, so I had to give him the next best thing.
KELLY
Then why are you named the sole beneficiary of all funds in the event of Frankie’s death?
ANNE
He’s what?
MURRAY
Look, Annie, baby... you said the money wasn’t all that important. We stood to make a tidy profit on this gig at the very least, and probably more after that. I was just... trying to cover all the bases.
ANNE
I’ll bet you were!
JAKE
Let he or she who is blameless cast the first stone, Ms. Condeh.
ANNE
What? You can’t possibly be implying that I did it? I loved Frankie. He was my husband, for godsakes!
JAKE
You may have loved him. But judging by what we’ve all seen in the past couple of days, I’d say that you didn’t like him very much.
ANNE
That still doesn’t make me a murderer!
JAKE
Oh, no? You were pushing Frankie to get back into show business when he was enjoying living quietly on his farm. Then when an opportunity for him to make his comeback came along, you were opposed to him appearing in it at all. Because you said that a comedy variety show was, “beneath him.”
ANNE
So far, the only thing I’m guilty of—according to your logic—is being overprotective.
CAROL
But, weren’t you the one who said that tonight wasn’t just Frankie’s night, but your night, too?
ANNE
Stay out of this, you little freak!
CAROL
And you were sure getting cozy with Mr. Boyle over there, because he reminded you of a young Frankie. Maybe you saw this as a chance to get out of your marriage and recapture your youth?
ANNE
Oh? And what about you? President of the Frankie Avonlea International Fan Club, of which the entire membership consists of just you! Owner of every album he ever recorded, creator of your own “Worship Frankie Avonlea web site.” I’ll bet you even have posters of him all over your tiny, pathetic one-bedroom apartment, including one huge one over your bed!
CAROL
What does that have to do with anything?
ANNE
Oh come on, we’ve all heard the stories about fans who become so obsessed that they’ll do anything to get noticed by their celebrities. Hang themselves from a building, take potshots at the President. Some of the truly psychotic ones even go so far as to kill the celebrity themselves!
Carol begins to weep.
ANNE
Oh, what’s the matter? Upset because, even in death, Frankie will still be more famous than a pathetic loser like you?
